Frank The Tank

I think it's safe to assume that we have all seen the movie "Old School", correct? Well if I didn't know any better, I would have sworn that I was actually on a date with Will Farrell's character "Frank" from the movie! Except my Frank was a thousand times more attractive! lol!

So lets dive right into the night, shall we....

Our conversations BEFORE we decided to meet up were amazing! We had chatted on the phone several times. (And quick side note here): I honestly believe that talking on the phone is a lost art form! I mean, how often do you actually pick up the phone and call someone? Now and days, texting is the preferred method of communication, right?..... I mean, I do a ton of texting! So much so, that I had almost completely forgotten that my cellular devise has the ability to dial someone's ten digit phone number, and if I speak directly into the phone, I can exchange verbal dialogue with a person of my choosing. That being said, I was pleasantly surprised when after a few email exchanges, Frank insisted that we actually TALK and FaceTime one another..... Now, lets pause right here.... One might think that by now I would have learned that when someone tells you who they are, you should really listen to them. Really take it in! Absorb what they are saying..... because after all, they know themselves better than anyone else does, and they are voluntarily giving you raw insight to their true personality and behavior! Well, lets just say that when he told me that he had not been out in a while, and that he was looking forward to saturday, because he was going to get (and I quote) "White Boy Wasted!", I probably should not have laughed it off as just excitement and exaggeration!! #LessonLearned!

So I should probably share with you that I prefer to have the guys I date, make all the plans for the evening.... From choosing the time, the place, our attire... literally everything on a first date! Even down to him making suggestions on what I should order for supper, followed up with him addressing our waitress/waiter directly, and ordering for me. I do this for a few reasons.... One: It allows me to gauge their level of self confidence, Two: their ability to discern and make decisions, Three: understand what their idea of "fine dining vs. casual dining" is, Four: their willingness to take a leadership role, Five: how closely they pay attention to things I have said in the past and take them into consideration while planning, Six: who's needs they will automatically put first, Seven: how much of a gentleman they are, and Eight: how well their manners are..... Believe me,  I could go on and on with the level of importance I see in this, but I'm pretty sure by now, you understand the picture I am trying to paint for you :o)

Frank waited until literally the last min to finalize our plans and then randomly decided that it would be a good idea for us to meet at a little place in Ft. Worth called the "Dirty Crow"..... Now I don't know what you would have thought, but I knew right away that I was without a doubt, in for an adventure!!!! We got there at 2:00 in the afternoon and had not been sitting at the bar for more than four minuets when he again randomly made the decision that we were going to spend our entire afternoon taking shots of patron!

***Lets keep in mind here that at this point, Frank knows little about me. He surely didn't know that I am a savant when it comes to consuming and controlling my alcohol intake.... I have actually been training my liver for an entire decade for an Olympic event such as this!!*** (So he ordered four shots..... and this my friends, is where the "fun" began!!)

Now the trick to drinking such copious and potent amounts of alcohol, is hydration..... A trick that our little friend Frank here, is apparently unaware of!! lol! We must have been 5or6 shots in, when I could tell that the world as he knew it, was spinning on its axis just a little faster than normal for him!! His words started to slur, his sentence structure became almost incomprehensible, his balance (and personal safety) was compromised, his emotions were running wild, and his outward affection towards me was steadily increasing!! Fast forward to shot #13, and as I am returning back to my seat from yet another bathroom break, I am surprised to find my date has joined the group of selfie taking girls playing pool behind us! He waved me over and introduced me to: "drunk girl #1, drunk girl #2, blond girl #1, back to drunk girl #2 and their ugly friend"..... Trust me, I was just as speechless with his intro, as you probably are right now! After a brief meaningless conversation, we sat back down in our seats, and Frank started to ramble off a list of things he would love to do once we left the bar...... one being "streaking down to the quad!" Its important to mention that it is now about 10:45PM. From this moment on, he talked about wanting tacos! Not just any tacos, mind you..... he wanted something called "flat tacos." So for the next 3hrs, 15min and 6shots, all I heard about were these damn flat tacos!!!!! I still have no idea what they are, but I feel as if my life will never be complete until I try one!!

He paid our rather large tab at 2:AM and we walked out of the bar together. I was holding his arm..... not as a form of affection, but out of pure necessity... he literally could not stand on his own!!  He insisted on "walking" me to my car, because that was the gentlemanly thing to do. HaHa! When we got there (50ft away) he leaned on my SUV with one hand, and proceeded to unzip his pants with the other, and pee allllllllllll over my car!!! As if that was not bad enough, he somehow managed to get himself tangled up in the zipper..... which I'm guessing was extremely painful, because he started crying huge crocodile tears, like a little girl!!! I helped him into my backseat and drove him home...... I then helped him get out and walked him to his front door and left him asleep on his portch!

He attempted to call and text me a total of 42times the next day.... with every single message saying the exact same thing: "I am so unbelievably sorry and so embarrassed..... please forgive me and please talk to me!"

I think it goes without saying that we will NOT be having a second date!! lol!!


(c)

Four Men And A Lady!

For starters, if you have never been to Esparza's in Grapevine, then you are missing out!! They have great mexican food, a fun patio, and even better margaritas! I can recommend this restaurant with confidence, because this is my usual Thursday spot! If you're free tomorrow, I'll meet you there! lol!

That being said, I think I ended up having 7 margs on this particular day! Which between you and me, made the evening even more amazballs! lol!! Now just for the record, I don't normally drink that much on a first date.... but this was not like any other first date I have ever been on before! Let me explain.....

My date stared out relatively tame..... Girl meets boy. Boy flirts with girl. Boy buys girl a drink....... Boy from one table over, sends girl a second drink... and THIS my friends, is were the date turned from a pleasant evening of two, into a shut the bar down evening of "4men and a lady!"

I'm going to skip right over the entire first part of the evening, where it was just my date and I, but I'll sum it up with this: It was great, our conversation was flowing nicely, and we definitely had an attraction to each other....... OK, now on to the crazziness! lol!

When my second drink was sent over, my date was a little taken back that another guy would have the nerve to send a drink over to a girl who was clearly sitting with someone who was more than just a friend or brother! I ON THE OTHER HAND, was flattered by the gesture! The waiter set my drink down and stepped out of the way as he pointed out the cute Australian guy that was holding up his glass, "cheersing" me. I lifted my glass in the air, and mouthed "thank you" over to him, just as my date leaned over an planted an extremely lengthy kiss on me, as if he was going off to the war, never to be seen again! This over the top action, prompted the ENTIRE patio to burst out in a standing ovation of applause and claps and whistles! I could not have been more embarrassed, even if my own skirt were to have flown up over my head, exposing everything but the kitchen sink! My face was soooo red... I could have died!!

The Aussie came over and shook my dates hand and kissed mine as he introduced himself to us and thanked us for being such good sports about the drink. He sat down and started talking to us about being in the states and how different it was here, and how he was a pilot and could fly me anywhere I wanted to go, (so long as I left "this one" at home!) lol! He was quite funny and friendly, so much in fact that I suggested that he and his other two friends back at his table, join us for a drink. Well, one thing lead to another and the next thing you know, we are pushing our tables together and swapping stories of our lives and childhoods! Side note: it's comical to watch two grown men "one up" each other! It was like hearing fishing stories..... In my best manly voice: "well, I caught a fish this big.... oh yea, well I caught a fish THIS BIG!" lol!! It was cute and very entertaining!! Every now and then when my date felt like the Aussie was getting a little too flirty with me, he would grab my hand and kiss it, or lean over and plant another one on me....... to which I just had to point out that he was doing a great job a "peecocking" in front of the other guys! lol!

This went on for the next several hours, and was more fun than I have had with strangers in a long time!!! The testosterone around the table was almost too much to take at moments, but so complete hysterical that I enjoyed every minuet of it!! The night wrapped up with yet another very inappropriate kiss in front of everyone, and our surrounding patrons yelling for us to "get a room already!" lol! We exchanged numbers with our new friends, and called it a night around 1:00!

(C)

See you next Thursday, Esparza's!!

How I Met Your Mother

Lets just dive right into this one, shall we!!!

This guy seemed nice and mentally stable and well balanced, so even though we did not have a ton in common, we agreed to meet up to see if there was a "spark"..... At the very least, we thought that even if there wasn't a connection, we could continue the friendship that we had begun to form.

As usual, I was on  a bit of a time crunch, so the decision was made to meet up in southlake town square and just grab a drink from Jamba Juice, walk around for a bit, stroll in and out of the stores, and spend the afternoon chatting.

So it was 1:00, we had just gotten our smoothies, and were sitting by the large fountain in the middle of the courtyard.... enjoying the great weather, and listening to a guy play a saxophone, when out of no where we hear his name being called (quite loudly, I might add)! He stood up and said, "Mother!?" She walked over to us and he politely introduced me to her (shaky voice and all). Which side note: It was a little odd that he seemed hesitant, but afterall if was our first date, so I didn't put too much thought into it. He then offered to get her a drink..... which she accepted. So off he went, back into JJ, leaving me sitting outside...ALONE.... with his MOTHER! (awkward!!) No sooner than the door closed behind him, did she launch into the game of 20questions!

1: So how did you meet my ONLY SON?
2: Is this your first date, because I have never heard about you before!
3: Do you always dress like this? (I had just come from the gym and had yoga pants on..... as you can tell, I was really trying to win this guy over! lol)
4: Shouldn't you be at work in the middle of the day?
5: Do you typically wear makeup?..... ladies should always look their best! (again, I had just come from the gym...... I didn't realize I was suppose to keep a ball gown in the back of my car to change in to!)
6: Are you biracial? You have a very exotic look about you!
7: How old ARE you?
8: Have you ever been married?
9: Do you have children?
10: So apparently you don't believe in saving yourself until marriage?

And that was just SOME of the questions she was firing at me.... so you can only imagine how happy I was when he walked back outside!!!!

Now I must have had a look on my face like I had just escaped jurassic park or something... because he immediately asked if he could speak to me for a moment and literally pulled me out of my seat and away from her. Before I could even say one word, he started apologizing for his mothers crazy behavior and said that she has always been way too overprotective of him and she ALWAYS oversteps her boundaries! The whole time he's telling me this, I'm thinking to myself, "Then why in the hell did you leave me alone with her?!?!" AND "The apple usually doesn't fall too far from the tree!" (so much for thinking he was mentally stable, right?! lol)

While we were standing there, I told him that I had my fair share of probing for the day, and that I was going to say my good bye's and leave him to enjoy the rest f the afternoon with his mother...... I did just that, and she said, and I quote: "I'm so sorry to see you go, we were having such a lovely conversation!"

As I very quickly walked away, I deleted him from my phone, and blocked him from my online profile! That drama was way too much for me to handle for a midweek afternoon..... and hindsight being 20/20, I now know why he seemed so hesitant on introducing us!! lol

(c)

All dogs go to heaven

This date started out like any other..... I was running late! However, in my defence, traffic was the worst it has been in the history of driving, since Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble use to carpool to Slate Rock & Gravel!! That being said, we were suppose to meet up at 1:00 at MayFest in Ft.Worth.... I didn't walk into the park until 1:45, and he didn't get there until 2:00!!!

We had not been at the festival for longer than 15mins when he got a call from his veterinarian's office..... He very quickly explained that he had to grab the call, because his dog was having a small tumor removed, and he was expecting a progress report. THIS is what I heard: "Hello..... yes...... you're kidding me...... you're kidding me..... you're kidding me..... I don't believe this.... good bye!" With tears in his eyes, he immediately launched into the story of how the vet tech had "accidentally" gotten two golden retrievers mixed up in the office, and instead of his dog going in for a simple 30min procedure, he had been.... wait for it..... euthanized!! Now let me just stop right here and explain that I have a hard time being emotional and tend to use sarcasm as a form of dealing with matters of the heart..... And if being sarcastic isn't bad enough, I also tend to lose my brain to mouth filter!! Before he was finished telling me this heart wrenching story, I blurted out: "Oh goodness, please don't tell me that you took him to that psychotic vet that has been all over the news for harvesting animal organs!" As soon as I said it, I instantly regretted it, and wanted to crawl under a rock and die! He then told me that he needed to make a call, and could I please excuse him for a moment..... the entire time he was talking, all I could think was what an ass I was for saying that! When he walked back over to where I was standing, his attitude and demeanor were completely changed! Apparently whomever he was talking to, (his mom), did a MUCH BETTER job at comforting him than I did! lol! I asked multiple times if he wanted to leave and he was instant on staying. 

We walked around in silence for a bit, and drank a few frozen margaritas before the conversation started flowing. It actually ended up being a great afternoon..... We listened to a few bands, had a few MORE drinks, watched a little dance contest, and of course stopped by every single art and craft booth that was out there! Before I knew it, it was 7:00, and time to call it a day.

He is a great guy and we had a wonderful afternoon! I forgot to mention that he is a professional poker player and will be playing in vegas soon for the world series of poker...... Maybe by then i'll know him well enough to fly up there and take advantage of all of the perks they offer those guys.... hello free spa treatments! lol!!

(c)

"911, what's your emergency??"

Date 5:

Just between you and me and the fence post, I had been looking forward to meeting this guy since day one!! There was/is just something about him that i find completely intoxicating!!! That being said, we couldn't be more different if we tried!! I'm a vegetarian, he owns a cattle farm.... I hate scary movies, he loves them! I don't like roller coasters, he has a season pass to 6flags..... I could go on and on, but you see where I'm going with this!

Let me back up before we move forward.... as we began emailing back and fourth getting to know eachother a bit, and started to learn about each others likes and dislikes, he quickly became eager to show me that things on his ranch were completely different than anything and everything I have ever seen on PETA's website! (Yes, I'm a member). After several offers (and several rejections), I finally agreed to meet up with him on his ranch and see how things "really work!" lol! I arrived in a cute strapless summer dress and little flats.... hindsight being 20/20, I should have worn a flame retardant suit, or at least, jeans and boots.... but hey, what's done is done, right?! ;O) When I got there he was finishing up welding a portion of the fence back together. Apparently the cows had decided that they were going to take it upon themselves to remodel the pasture! After a warm greeting by a handsome rugged cowboy, I was instructed to help him check, double check, and triple check for anything that may be smoking or that may have accidently caught fire as a result of the work he was just doing. After a good little wile he made the executive decision that all was well and we could officially start our tour of the farm..... We had only been inside barn B for about 10mins, talking about why Sara Palin isn't on the show "Surviving Alaska" , and how I think that if she was on every episode, it would make the show 10X better,  when his phone started ringing..... Being the gentleman that he is, he ignored the call.... and the next call that came in, and the next call, and the next call.... Until eventually he just turned his phone completely off. It wasn't until we caught a faint whiff, of smoke and went running outside that we thought, maybe just maybe all those calls could have been important and had something to do with the blazing fire that was bellowing out of barn A!!!! We could only see about 10feet in front of us the smoke was so thick!! (and just to give you an idea of the layout.... the barns are about 100yards apart!!) He quickly called 911 from my phone, because as we all know, it takes iPhones FOREVER to power back on!!!! Before we knew it, the fire department was plowing through the field to the rescue.... So hard and fast and reckless, that they actually knocked down the portion of the fence that he had literally just repaired!!! My heart was beating so rapidly that I thought I was going to have a heart attack and thought that we probably should have called an ambulance too!! lol! The fire was put out in a matter of minuets and thankfully all that was lost was a few barrels of hay! (Shout out Gabe and Dale!)..... When the smoke settled and the fire department left, and we were able to sit down for a second, we decided it would be best to call it a night and try again another day! He walked me back to my car and we said our good byes.

I am happy to report that I have see him twice since the fire, and he is wonderful and charming and no, we haven't had to call the fire department for anything else ;O)

(C)

Run Forest RUN....

The story before the story.....

So I never thought that I had a specific "type" of guy that I was attracted to, until I was talking to a friend yesterday and it suddenly dawned on me...... "I am literally describing the EXACT SAME GUY over and over and over again!!" lol!! All the guys that I have gone on dates with so far, (with the exception of one), are exactly the same.... above average height, above average build, strong facial features, (and or facial hair), and a cute baseball booty!! This was shocking to me because all along I have told myself that "HUMOR" is what I was attracted to and is what mattered the most, and that it could come in ANY package...... turns out I was wrong! Humor IS very important to me, so long as it comes in the very specific package that is listed above! lol!

Now on to date four:

I shall call this cute guy, "Forest." I got a message from him and before I responded, I viewed his profile and discovered that we had very similar interests... and by similar interest I mean: he use to play professional baseball, and I just happen to like guys that play baseball! lol! So anyway, after a few email exchanges we decided that the only time that we could meet up without having to wait two weeks (because of our schedules), was at a marathon he was running, in just a few days.... At first I thought this was a bit odd, because it wouldn't really allow us time to chat or get to know each other or anything, but I agreed.

"Forest" told me to meet him at one of the last water stops, so I could encourage him along and he could finish strong, then we could meet up again after he crossed the finish line and chat for a bit. I'm gonna throw in a quick side not here: I thought that I would be completely disgusted by a smelly, sweaty guy wanting to talk to me, give me a hug, or worse, give me a kiss after he had been running for god knows how long!!.... but as it turns out, I WAS WRONG AGAIN!! Its actually quite attractive! Especially since he was wearing a little medal for finishing in the top whatever percent! lol! Okay, I digress..... Back to the date. When he finished running, we met up and walked to his car, and he had flowers waiting for me.... I mean, come on, how sweet is that! This was his run, this was his deal, and he took the time out of his early morning to get ME flowers!! #BrowniePoints!! He totally trumped the Gatorade and granola bar I had waiting for him!! lol! We ended up walking over to a little bench and talking for over an hour, and he is super sweet!! He had all the right answers to all the right questions..... even if he didn't, that smile of his could get him away with anything! ;O) Long story longer..... we had a great time and we are planning another date soon!!! (Hurry up Cinco de Mayo!!)


(C)

Hi, welcome to CiCi's!!!

Day two.... Date three:

Lets start off by saying this..... This blog will be short, because the "date" lasted all of 30mins!

So I meet "Tom" online (of course).... He's 39, a chiropractor, never married, no kiddos! I thought to myself: "I love the fact that he's  in the healthcare industry and I love to get adjustments, so why not give this a whirl!" Plus, he seemed kind and polite!

I HOPE YOU ARE SITTING DOWN FOR THIS ONE...

I literally only had one hour on Friday to meet up with him, and he was going to be busy all weekend and at a conference next week, so we agreed to make the most of our time and meet at a "little Italian Resturant".... 

(I'm using that term very loosely), Friday at 1:00! I should have seen a little red flag, or at least an orange one, when instead of him giving me the name of the resturant, he only gave me directions!! I arrived at a little shopping strip with only three stores: a donut place, a cleaners, and a CICI'S PIZZA.... I thought to myself, "There is no way on God's green earth that he wants us to meet at Cici's?!?! He's a doctor for crying out loud!!!"...... Well guess what, HE DID!!! I walked inside to see a man that vaguely resembled whom I had seen online.... I walked over to him and asked if he was "Tom".... He was.... He was ALSO almost 60!!! OMGoodness! We had a verrrrry quick lunch, had absolutely nothing in common.... Sat in silence most of the time, and said good bye rather quickly.....

***KEEP SITTING***

So if that wasn't bad enough.... fast forward to Friday night when Keanu and I were out at Denton's Jazz Fest..... K was jumping in a bounce house, and I looked over at the line of kiddos waiting to jump, secretly feeling prideful that I got there early enough for my child to be ahead of everyone else, when I notice someone  out of the corner of my eye!! Ding Ding Ding.... You guessed it!!! It was "TOM"..... Wait for it..... WITH HIS WIFE AND THREE KIDS!!!!! If you think for one second, I didn't walk over there and say hi, you would be WRONG!!! I walked over there, said: "Hi Dr. Tom..... Is this your wife and family?!" He literally could not speak, and looked as if he had just seen a ghost!!! She was very nice, and no, I did not bring up our lunch date in front of their children.... i did however tell her i would be in the office monday, and would love to chat with her further! I also sent an email to the dating site, and he has since been removed!! It was literally the shadiest thing that has happened to me in a looooooong time! Needless to say, we do not have plans to see each other again! lol


(C)